i've got to break what i'm making and turn it into nothing

i went searching for christmas lights tonight.
and i all i could think about was the dark.
the lack of light that seems to consume everything.

i thought about how these streets will be well worn into the souls of my shoes before my time here is through. and familiarity breeds contempt. that scares me because i am already struggling to fight contempt off. i can't imagine how it will feel once i become familiar with all of this.

i thought about God and how i'll never be able to please Him in the ways i wish i could. how i'll never be the person i so fervently wish to be. but in His eyes i know it is enough. i just can't feel that sometimes.

I reread Robert Herrick's To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time this morning and the first two lines keep circling in my head: "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, Old-time is still a flying". This time i have to spend in this place, in this world, is short and the time i have now while i'm young is even shorter. there is a whole lot i want to do, and now is the time to do it. i refuse to waste my time and put things off, to repeatedly set aside the things i actually care about in order to fullfill what is required of me.

and this has been a whole mess of things.