your words

it’s funny how they feel so hollow now.
they don’t mean the same thing as they once did.
they feel different.
and i just blotted them out.

home

The wind blows harder here at home.  I suppose it’s the way the mountains funnel it in and shove it through this place.  Whatever it is, I know its different than the way it whips around in that college town.  As of late, my days have been drained into its misguided holding tank, never to be seen or felt again.

I was happy to leave there and I thought I’d be even happier to come back home.  I was in a sense, things here feel real, less contrived, and I’d missed the feeling of knowing exactly what it was that I was looking at.  It may not be beautiful, but at least it’s honest, and that in its own right is beautiful. 

The way I feel here, even with the wind wrapping itself around my neck, I know it will not last.  I know this because I know myself.  The road will beg for my feet like a pack of wolves.  And I will succumb.  Because this heart was not made to beat in one place but to break amongst the rivers.

i've got to break what i'm making and turn it into nothing

i went searching for christmas lights tonight.
and i all i could think about was the dark.
the lack of light that seems to consume everything.

i thought about how these streets will be well worn into the souls of my shoes before my time here is through. and familiarity breeds contempt. that scares me because i am already struggling to fight contempt off. i can't imagine how it will feel once i become familiar with all of this.

i thought about God and how i'll never be able to please Him in the ways i wish i could. how i'll never be the person i so fervently wish to be. but in His eyes i know it is enough. i just can't feel that sometimes.

I reread Robert Herrick's To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time this morning and the first two lines keep circling in my head: "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, Old-time is still a flying". This time i have to spend in this place, in this world, is short and the time i have now while i'm young is even shorter. there is a whole lot i want to do, and now is the time to do it. i refuse to waste my time and put things off, to repeatedly set aside the things i actually care about in order to fullfill what is required of me.

and this has been a whole mess of things.